Now take a moment
and think about the most important events between a child and her parents.
Watching her take those precious first steps.
- Teaching her how to swim. - Hoping she has her mother's buoyancy.
Dropping her off her prom.
Standing outside with night vision goggles.
Even though Paul Doyle was a gentleman?
Yeah. His sweaty handshake was like slapping a catfish.
Remembering her first drive lesson.
And thinking, "How did she get so big? Where did all that time go?
Shouldn't we be doing this in her mother's car?"
[Singing "Cat's in the Cradle"]
Walking her down the aisle.
Kissing her cheek.
Letting her go for good.
These are the milestones that your children remember, too.
The special times.
The times spent with their parents.
You guys are right.
I am going to my daughter's gay wedding.
Yeah, you are! Who cares if she's the one in the tux?
- Or that they're both named Karen. - Mazel tov.
Now, you have a choice.
You could go with another agency.
But you'd be fools to
because no one has what we have to offer.
A milestone campaign built by a father-daughter team
who've experienced all the milestones we just talked about together.
Except for walking down the aisle. I'm not even seeing anyone.
I hope she meets a nice guy.
- Dad. - Or a nice Karen.
This sounds great. We're in.
- You two are perfect for this. - Thank you.
♪ You know we'll have a good time then ♪
♪ A real, real good time then ♪
♪ With your daughter and her friend like a friend ♪
(Guitar playing stops) Ooh.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1.03 - Bad Dad Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com
I'm going on a coffee run, do you want...?
- You're off coffee. You're on gossip. - Oh, good.
Because Gail in accounting is pregnant
and she doesn't know who the father is.
Really? Not that, them.
Look, Claire, I think we both know that-that what we have, uh...
What we have is so much bigger than space and time,
which means it can't be contained by it.
That poor girl, she has no idea she's being dumped.
That's Claire from the third floor. You call her Cheryl.
Her name is Claire? Why didn't you tell me?
You don't like being corrected.
ZACH: You see my problem?
- I hope things never get awkward. - He is so good.
If I had six months to live, I'd want him to tell me.
And there goes Andrew.
He swoops in faster than a pimp on a runaway.
What? I know stuff.
'Sup, ladies?
Oh, gosh, what's this?
Oh, my goodness, it looks like the number of a young woman
who's about to make a regret.
Way to strike while the iron's vulnerable.
It's not my fault I have a gift for comforting emotional women.
- I'm one of seven sisters. - You mean you have six sisters?
That's what I said.
It's why my shoulders are so perfect to cry on.
Neither too hard, nor too soft.
They are just right.
Like Goldilocks' shoulders.
All right, I need to throw myself into work
to get over the pain of this breakup.
- You seem like you're gonna be okay. - I know, Lauren, it's just hard.
She works on the same floor as that coffee shop I really like.
And the foam on their macchiatos, it's the perfect density.
You just don't come across that every day.
It's better to have loved and lost... a beverage.
I'm trying to be here for you, but it's not easy.
I know. All right.
- So what do you got here? - I mocked up the print ad
- for the new Crest campaign. - Oh, I like the layout, Andrew.
- It looks good. - Thanks.
Uh, where's the copy I wrote?
Uh, I felt it hit harder with just the image.
I mean, they say a picture's worth a thousand words,
so it was kind of overkill with your two tacked on.
Yeah, but the slogan's the whole thing here.
You're losing the poetry of the language.
Uh, "Buy two"? That's your poetry?
Uh, the poetry is in what I didn't say.
It used to read.
"You Should Buy Two."
- Mm. - But this way it just sings.
Okay, Lauren, you're an assistant, right?
So you're very close to the common man.
Which way do you feel is most effective?
Well, I'd have to say Zach's way because you just called me poor.
- Yeah. - Hey, everybody.
Guess what I have in my hand. Hmm?
- Obsolete technology. - (Buzzes) Wrong!
That colonoscopy video you keep tricking us into watching.
- I destroyed that. - Not the one in 3-D.
- Is it the Milestone commercial? - Ding, ding, ding, ding, yes!
Take anything off the top shelf. (Laughs)
Did the whole thing in two weeks and now it's ready to show the world!
And I'll finally be present at the birth of something I'm proud of.
Except you. You're cool.
Are you guys always this secretive about commercials?
No, usually the art director
and the copywriter pitch it before they shoot it.
But it's not based on your memory.
No, but we had some really good ideas.
Andrew took his Spanish teacher to prom.
Señora Greenwald made me an hombre that night.
We slow danced to the theme from Friends.
That's where you got the amigos.
- I am dying to see this commercial. - Well, it's a reenactment
- of me teaching her to drive. - It's him trying to teach me how to drive.
- It was crazy. - It was hysterical!
She had her braces just off...
- You should tell it. - No, you.
No, really, seriously, you tell it.
- No, no. - No, go ahead.
Are you sure? Oh, bless you.
It was classic moi.
Kind of sprung it on her really.
- I was so not prepared! - You were not prepared?
I had just woken up in the back of that car going, "Where are my clothes?"
(Both laughing)
Hey, but don't spoil it.
Come to the focus group and see the birth of my favorite child.
It's just an expression.
You know? You're the best.
Oh, what are you doing?
You know the sodium at the bottom is the best part.
Oh, my God! I just figured out what you are.
You're Zach's remora.
- No, I'm not. - I know, right?
Do you guys even know what a remora is?
- Totally, it's the new Buick. - You put it in your coffee.
Oh, okay. You guys do not watch Shark Week.
Here, look. It's this.
A remora, or a suckerfish,
is a fish that attaches itself to a shark.
See? Wherever the shark goes, the remora goes.
Grooming him, living off his leftovers.
- That's not me. - Uh, the chips?
What about Claire?
What? I'm gonna take her out for a cup of tea.
- That doesn't make me his fish. - Ah, of course not.
Hey, I think my hair's, like a little funky today.
It doesn't seem perfect. I don't know.
It's just this pesky bang.
Oh, thank you, remora.
No. This is not gonna be a thing.
I think the shark decides what the thing is.
And I think the shark's an idiot.
A shark's not even a mammal.
MAN: (Over intercom) So, as you know, you're here to screen a commercial
the agency just completed.
Afterwards, we'll ask you some questions
and invite you to fill out a comment card.
- And then we get lunch, right? - Yes, then lunch.
I'm sharing heartfelt memories and Grizzly Adams
is worried about lunch. Where did you find him?
- Soup kitchen. - Ah.
He's kidding. You're kidding, right?
Tell him you're kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm not kidding.
- You're not kidding? - I'm kidding.
MAN: You know what we're going to do today, honey?
- What? - Learn to drive!
GIRL: But we're on the Interstate.
- Take the wheel! - Dad, did you stop taking your meds?
- MAN: Only for a couple of days... - GIRL: I've never done this before.
MAN: That's okay, can't learn in the passenger seat.
GIRL: I don't know how to do this!
Did this actually happen to you?
- Uh, not exactly. - Sydney had braces and I had a perm.
Too much hair and teeth. You know, ooh.
GIRL: We're in the middle of a motorcycle rally!
MAN: That's right, if you drive here, you can drive anywhere!
- GIRL: Which one is the brake?! - MAN: Got to figure it out.
- I'm gonna listen to some music. - Stop it, Dad!
Why are you doing this to me?
'Cause you never know what life is going to throw at you!
(Girl screams)
MAN 2: Allstate Insurance.
Protecting you through life's milestones.
Okay, so what did we think of the commercial?
Aw, I thought it was hilarious!
- Oh, yeah? - So, why?
'Cause that would never happen in real life.
- I was scared for the little girl. - You were scared, okay.
I think you were supposed to be scared.
Because he's a bad dad.
- Okay, bad dad. - Yeah, that's the point.
"Bad dad"?
That's not the point.
It's not what we were going for.
But I-I guess you could see it that way.
You don't see it that way, do you?
Either way, it's a really funny commercial.
Based on a hideously traumatic experience.
WOMAN: I think they wanted us to think the dad was crazy.
- Totally. - You thought he was crazy.
- It was hilarious. - Hilarious.
He's, like, the worst dad in the world.
Really great campaign.
- You got a winner. - Excuse me.
I'm wondering if we're missing the point here.
Okay, you people are not allowed in here.
You're tainting my focus group.
Are you the people who made the bad dad commercial?
Yes, I-I mean, sort of.
I'm sorry, I think you mean "best dad."
Because he was teaching her defensive driving.
You know, all those distractions
were to stress test her, to bring out her best
in the worst case scenario.
You people would throw her out on the road
ill-equipped... and you know what you get then?
Dead daughter.
Sure, it sounds nice because of the alliteration.
But I assure you it's not.
It's like "killer clown."
It's all fun and games until you walk into a room
full of busted balloons and body parts.
- Maybe we don't bully the focus group. - Thank you.
Okay, the only important thing is they like the commercial.
Okay, don't take it personally.
- Right here, right here, look. - Mm-hmm.
"Great commercial. Smart and funny.
Love the bitchy daughter."
It's about the bad dad, not the bitchy daughter.
You said those were anonymous.
My word is no longer my bond.
Can we agree we didn't raid a Mensa group to get these people here?
This is insane. Look at this one.
"If I were were that..." Is that, that's "girl."
"If I were that girl I would've never driven again""
And you drive all the time.
Actually, I don't drive.
I never learned.
Hey, what about that pizza?
Uh, no pizza,
but there are tuna fish sandwich halves and chips.
No chips.
Sorry.
Hey, I don't understand.
You have a driver's license.
Just that fake one you took me to get so I could buy beer.
The beer was for me.
Liquor store people can be so gossipy.
How have you gotten this far without driving?
I-I've only ever lived in big cities.
I just never really needed to.
Or maybe you've always lived in big cities
because you were scared to learn.
You weren't that scared. We laugh about the story.
Yeah, now.
- But was pretty scared. - No...
I was.
Actually, I was kind of terrified.
Oh, my God, this explains so much, Sydney.
This was your trigger moment. When it all started.
When what started?
Nothing.
I'm doing that thing where I give my honest opinion.
You are great.
I never knew you were scared.
I mean, scared enough to never drive?
So that mug you gave me was wrong.
I'm not the World's Best Dad.
Are all my mugs lies?
Do I actually like Mondays?
Dad, it's not that big a deal. I repressed it.
Yeah, that's healthy.
There it is again. I love your shoes.
Can we please just drop this?
I can't believe I said that.
I hate kitten heels.
Well, at least they distract from the blouse.
Tunic top, really?
I know I had an unconventional childhood,
but isn't everyone's first time driving scary?
Mine was lovely.
My sister Pam and I practiced in the parking lot
and then she bought me bubble gum ice cream.
I learned to drive when I was visiting my uncle in Syria.
He got shot by the military police
and I was the only one around to drive him to the hospital.
Still I think your experience was scarier.
SIMON: Okay, everybody, lunch is over. Back to work.
We have to find a completely new angle for the Allstate campaign.
Come on.
I thought the focus group loved the bad dad ad.
Bad dad, best dad, Baghdad... Who knows where they landed?
So much said in that room.
- Come on, let's go. - Well, we have all this data.
Yeah, nine people in favor of bad dad.
One person: "So hungry, where's the pizza?"
So, go with best dad.
Andrew, go find Zachary, get on that.
Lauren, do whatever it is you do. Sydney, come with me.
We got to go meet with Allstate right away.
- They're nervous about the budget... - We're $10,000 under budget.
And besides, I just made the perfect sandwich.
No one likes a braggart, missy. Let's go!
- I could've taken that with me! - Nope.
It's true, sandwiches are specifically designed for travel.
Why does Allstate want a meeting? I'm starving,
and all they're gonna have is a stupid plate of wraps.
The sneakiest of sandwiches.
I mean, if wraps are so great, what are they hiding?
- I don't know. - Wait. Dad, you missed the turn.
No, I didn't.
And what's with hating on wraps? I had a lovely one the other day.
Little hummus. Went down quick,
and then it got really Beirut down there.
So, wait, what are we...
- There's no meeting, is there? - No.
You need a good learning-to-drive memory.
One that's not so scary.
- Take the wheel! (Laughs) - (Screams)
That's a bad joke. I'm sorry. No, no, no, come on, I'm sorry.
Good memory starting now.
- (Screams) - (Chuckles)
No, no. Starting... now.
Oh, God, I'm all sweaty and nervous.
Now I know how you feel when your probation officer comes around.
You're doing great.
Interesting choice, letting the car idle
and having the Earth's rotation do all the work for you, but...
SYDNEY: I'm mentally preparing.
Well, how about a little driving music to help take the edge off?
(Marching band music plays)
No marching band music.
- Oddly, I don't find it comforting. - Really?
It find that's the only thing that relaxes me on the way home.
SIMON: All right, there we go.
This is lovely. Very, very... It's...
You don't need to slow down that much. Try and pick up a little speed.
- There we go. - I need a little less help.
Well, all right, but just a little more speed.
Okay, now we're coming to the stop sign.
We're coming to the stop sign.
Do you see the stop sign? Do you see the stop...
You see... There it went. That was...
Whoa. Honey, don't worry about the bird. He's gonna move.
(Bird coos)
Honey, the bird's gonna move.
He's gonna move.
I honestly thought he was going to move.
- The idea is not to hit the people. - Look, I-I know that.
I think you have bloodlust since you hit that bird.
Now just don't... Don't-don't...
- Don't hit the person! - I'm not going to!
If it's my father voice that's disturbing you...
(French accent): I will try to be maybe this guy...
- Look up ahead... - No, it's still disturbing.
(Speaking French)
English is better.
Oh, no, no, no!
(Screaming)
SYDNEY: Now?
Not now.
- SYDNEY: Now. - SIMON: Not now.
Now?
Not now.
- Now. - Now! (Sighs)
(Horns honking)
Not now.
So let me get this straight.
The good ad about a bad dad made Simon sad?
- Mm-hmm. - I'm a poet and I don't realize it.
Okay, what about this?
If we take the two types of insurance coverage
and draw circles around them with intended targets in the middle...
I drew boobs again.
Whoa, no, come on.
There's something here.
Just have to look past the boobs to see the good inside.
I swear, you boys are all the same.
Oh, my God.
I'm picking through your leftovers.
Your ideas, your food,
worst of all, Claire, an actual human woman.
Oh! You know who's the boob?
I'm the boob.
- The sad, sad boob. - No, you're not...
Lauren, let him have that. He feels what he feels.
Andrew, I think that you are overlooking the benefits
of this delicate ecosystem.
Look, if you didn't finish my food,
I'd get fat.
Right? A-And if you didn't comfort
these angry women, I'd get killed in my sleep.
Now come on.
Let me see that adorable Andrew smile.
- Mm-mm. - That beautiful little...
- Mm-mm. - ...sweet, sweet child smile you have.
Like a little boy. Huh?
Hey. Hey, little guy.
Hey. I got something for you.
Bibbity-boop!
Bop, bop, bop.
(Laughs) I can't stay mad at you.
No! I'm mad at me.
And I'm done being your remora, picking through your leftovers.
Start sleeping with both eyes open. (Gasps)
Like a shark!
No! Not like a shark!
Like a person...
who sleeps... poorly.
No, really, that's how sharks sleep.
Tell me about it.
(Horns honking)
SYDNEY: Now?
Now! Now, now. Now, now, now, now.
For the love of God, go!
SYDNEY: I am! I can't do this anymore!
- Well, neither can I. - Why are you mad?
- I'm not, I'm just deflecting blame. - No one is blaming anyone,
but if there was someone to blame, he's sitting in this car
- and he's wearing your pants. - Well, that could be anybody!
Listen, maybe driving isn't one of our best moments.
But we had others. I taught you how to swim.
By throwing me in Lake Michigan and telling me to find the shore.
You found it.
Apology accepted.
What about that fun camping trip?
You know, the one up in Wisconsin that...
Oh, the one where you doused me in turkey urine
to "mask my human scent."
- Well, you wanted to meet a deer! - Not during turkey mating season.
Well, who knew that turkeys were so sexual?
There is no talking to you. You're always right.
"Always" is a bit of a stretch.
(Sighs)
I always thought that I was the fun, cool dad,
and I'd blame your mom for stuff,
until my shrink said I couldn't do that anymore
and I had to fire him, which was kind of a pain,
because he was pretty liberal with the prescriptions.
The truth is,
I didn't do anything to help prepare you for life.
I was just a scary, bad dad.
- No. That's not fair. - Stop.
- No, it's not what I was saying, it... - Stop.
- Stop the car, we're rolling! - Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. - I'll handle this.
- You can't prove anything. - Oh, what the hell?
Just tell your wife to watch where she's going.
My wife? How dare you! That's is my daughter.
Although my second wife was her age, so I retract my indignation.
Well, you scared my daughter. It's her first time driving.
Really? What a coincidence.
I'm teaching my daughter to drive, too.
Why can't you drive yet?
Aren't you, like, 40?
No, I'm 30... something.
- Same thing. - No, sister friend,
- it's not even close to the same thing. - "Sister friend"?
Listen, she can't drive because the first time I taught her
I sort of traumatized her.
It's all a blur, really. Without naming names,
one of us was coming off a three-day bender,
the other was worried about a chemistry final.
You didn't traumatize me.
- Yeah, keep telling yourself that. - Yeah, your dad's a weirdo.
- I prefer "nut job," or... - Hey, hey!
He is not a weirdo or a nut job!
Okay, maybe he's both. But that's good. I mean...
How many kids do you know who can pick a lock with a hairpin?
- He taught me when I was nine. - She's amazing.
- Or how to always split aces and eights. - Otherwise, the house wins.
Or how to light a lady's cigarette. You-you gently cup her hand...
- While never averting her gaze. - It's a dying art, really.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about all the things that I got from him
that might seem crazy to you, but that I wouldn't change.
I'm creative and successful
because I never knew a normal day until I left home.
And I owe it all to this weirdo nut job.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
Well, the good news is
the cars aren't nearly as damaged as you two.
We can let it go.
You're lucky.
I am.
Where did you learn that Dukes of Hazzard thing?
You're a much better driver than your mother.
Kind of.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
I was just wondering if I could take you up on that offer to talk.
Um... Chin up.
Look... These are not for you.
I get that you're going through a hard time right now,
and I'm sorry, and I really wish I could console you...
- Okay. - ...and other stuff.
- Mm-hmm. - But I'm not that guy anymore.
As a wise Spanish woman told me some 15 years ago,
"It's not you... it's yo."
That went against everything I stand for.
Hey. How's it going?
Andrew's fighting his basic instincts and winning by losing.
- Sounds like an ad for a Buddhist casino. - Good news.
We have decided to embrace the "bad dad" campaign.
The focus group loved it
and we've got a million stories from our lives.
Like the time I taught you to ride a bicycle.
I always thought training wheels were for losers.
- I'm sorry, do you want to...? - You want to tell it?
No, no, just do it.
You'll remember it better. You weren't concussed.
You were such a trooper that day.
I remember wiping away the blood, and there were
- those blue eyes, looking up at me. - They're green.
Yes, they are, in this light.
Zach, walk with me.
We have to talk about all the ways I've ruined my daughter's life.
Oh, you know what, Simon?
You have a little schmutz on your back.
SIMON: Schumtz? Really?
ZACH: Yeah.
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Yeah, and I totally agree.
Those kitten heels are doing her calves no favors.
No.
Zach is Simon's remora.
Maybe everyone's someone's remora.
ANDREW: That's a beautiful thought.
You know what else is a beautiful thought?
There's a woman on the third floor who's weeping for these shoulders.
And whatever else, you know, that she wants to cry on,
it's all welcome.
It's better than me doing it on myself.
(Insects trilling)
SIMON: You okay, honey?
I think I'm okay.
- This is good. - Yeah.
We're nowhere near train tracks, and this time, I brought food.
There's no escaped convict in the area?
No.
And the nearest turkey urine is still inside the nearest turkey.
(Owl hoots) You can turn off the forest now.
Okeydoke.
(All forest sounds stop) Night, honey.
Do you think you can sleep?
I think so. You?
Well, this'll help.
(Marching band music playing)
There we go.
Good night, baby.
Good night, nut job.
(Screams)
Geez, there's a spider.
Get it, get it, get it! Oh... Got it. Good night, baby.
Yes, what I have in my hand...
That new colonoscopy. No, it's not new.
You got it a long time ago.
And action!
Landed on the ball.
'Cause wait till you hear what my first line is.
"Neither too hard nor too soft."
Did this actually happen to you?
No, actually Sydney was screaming way louder
and I was wearing an "ass-cat", just... "Ass-cat"?
It was like...
Oh, it was just a phase.
Oh, no! [Screaming]
Sorry... [Choking]
Oh, my God. I think I pooped myself.
That was weird.
I'm through being your remora!
Where did you learn that Dukes of Hazzard thing?
Sunnydale.
Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com